turn on the light and reveal the glory

Jennifer Knapp sings a song called Martyrs and Thieves (lyrics below) that totally resonates with where I find myself today. In this journey of infertility, at times I feel that it is easier to cling to the darkness, to believe the lies of the thieves, to feel angst instead of peace.

There is a part of me that would rather keep safe to myself the thoughts and struggles and darkness than share my soul with others. There is a tendency within to believe that others, even those closest to me (even my Savior?!), cannot bear my fear and shame. I try to handle things on my own, to be strong and brave and in control. But denying the help of others for a lonely and dark journey is not how it is supposed to be.

I want to reveal the light of Christ in what I do. But I cannot reveal his glory without the help of others, without their assistance in trudging through the mucky swamp waters of angst and struggle and fear and shame. I cannot always make it to the light without people to help me get there.

At our girls retreat last October, I used a photograph to explain how I felt at the time, and it looked something like the one above. A path through the forest, shaded but with spots of sunshine pouring through. Every month of infertility is like walking down this path--with hints of light along the shady path, knowing the full sunlight is just always ahead of me, but only if I continue moving forward.

If I want to reflect the light and glory of God, I must move into the light. I cannot stay in the shadows and expect to be unafraid and peaceful. Yet the shadows are an inevitable part of walking down this particular path I'm on. Fear and angst are what keep me walking, looking for the light and peace that surpasses understanding.

I don't want to understand. I want to feel peace. I want to reflect the light. I want to be in the light. And I need people to help me do that. I need to admit I need the help and accept it when offered. And I need to, no I want to, turn my soul toward God, revealing all the darkness and fear and frustration, allowing his light to shine into the dark places.

Only then can I reveal the glory of Christ, when I can follow this path with trust and obedience. God, turn on the light and reveal all the glory. I am not afraid. Use my weakness to bring me to a place of peace and love and trust.

Martyrs and Thieves by Jennifer Knapp

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
That presses harsh hope against time.
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
Who only want to rob you blind.
They steal away any sense of peace.
Tho' I'm a king I'm a king on my knees.
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
As the darkness covers me.

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
In the light , I am not afraid
To let your light shine bright in my life, in my life

There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
Than I thought I had given away.
They linger in closets and under my bed
And in pictures less proudly displayed.
A great fool in my life I have been
Have squandered 'til pallid and thin.
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
For the darkness I know I've let win.

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
In the light , I am not afraid
To let your light shine bright in my life, in my life

Can you hear me?
Can you hear me? (5x)

I've never been much for the bearing of soul
In the presence of any man.
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am.
Could it be that my worth should defend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand?
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in your will
To reveal all of you that I can.

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
In the light , I am not afraid
To let your light shine bright in my life, in my life