First Haircut

Miss Maddie's hair was getting a little crazy...all different lengths on top; wispy, horizontal hair with sometimes curls to the sides; dark at the ends, light at the roots...so I took the plunge and trimmed away. It was hard to do, because let's face it, her baby hair was so sweet. But now it will hopefully grow out more evenly and get in her face less.


BEFORE













AFTER

maybe the last

8 months is a lot of fun! You are so playful these days, always ready to engage in a game of peekaboo, give high fives or kisses, or crawl after us, giggling with delight. In one month you've started crawling, pulling up to a stand, cruising the furniture, and trying to stand on your own. We barely have time to recover from one major physical developmental step before you're off doing another thing. The world is your playground--full coffee cups, newspapers, pens, dog fur, sharp hearth edges, cords, computers, cell phones, CDs, magazines and more! Nothing is safe from your curiousity.

We cannot imagine a more delighful child. You are always cracking us up with who you are and what you do, from blowing raspberries while you play to singing along with our silly songs to the way you go after our cell phones and sunglasses with that mischevious little grunt. Almost every night after putting you to sleep we marvel at how lucky we are to have you. You are an incredible little person, and we can't wait to see who you'll become.

more pictures

Crawling after the camera






















Posing in my new outfit from Great Grandma Dorothy

posting pictures, just because I can

All dressed up for church...

seven months

Dearest One,

You are now seven months. It is so unreal, as my little baby has become a big baby and is over halfway to one year. This week a new friend joined our world, little Nicole Grace, and to hold her 7 pound body I was overwhelmed with how large you have become since your newborn days. You've doubled in weight, as a matter of fact.



















You love to play on the floor, sitting up tall with your drum or blocks, and you creep all over the floor now, pulling with your arms and pushing with your toes. You are sooo close to crawling, I can feel it. Before long, I'll be plugging all the outlets, putting up gates, and giving up my comfortable place on my booty to chase after you on hands and knees. (As much as that sounds like a complaint, I really can't wait!)

You've become quite the traveler, putting in another flight this month, this time to the sunny tropics of Kauai. The ride there was a little tough, as it was during bedtime and you had difficulty getting comfortable. But on the way home not a soul would even know you were on the plane. Quiet as a mouse, all snuggled against your Mama, just like the good old days when I could hold you while you slept.

In Kauai, you amazed us with your adaptability in so many ways: time change of 3 hours, naps on the beach, long rides in the ergo carrier on hikes, I could go on and on. Vacation is definitely different as a parent, not quite so relaxing, but to see everything through your eyes and your experiences was so much fun! You were overjoyed at so many new experiences, and so delightful considering all the changes.

Many people have commented on your eyes lately, at how big they are. And we agree. You are constantly taking things in, wide-eyed, as if to close your eyes even just a bit would deny you the full effect of your surroundings. It is those eyes that look up at me in bed after nursing in the morning, those eyes that peek up through the stroller sunroof to play peekaboo on walks, those eyes that scan the room for your dada or the doggy, that have me under your spell. I live for those smiling eyes, whether open wide in amazement or wrinkled up into smiling half-moons.



The other day your dada kissed us goodbye (you were nursing) and was headed out the door when you immediately stopped what you were doing, looked in his direction and yelled "aye da da!" He immediately returned to my side and covered you in more kisses, delighted to start his day with such a loving goodbye from his best girl.

When we think back to this stage of life, all will pale in comparison to the joy you have brought us. The addition of your fun, joyful, loving, inquisitive and delightful spirit to our lives is more than we ever could have hoped for. I love you, and I love being your mama.

one half of a year

As of tomorrow, July 14th, my baby girl will be SIX months old.

Her Tutu described her lately as "delightful," a word that her daddy has used on more than one occassion. And that is what she is, a true delight. This month she started log rolling, fast and furious, across the living room floor. The large quilt we have been using for floor playtime no longer is big enough for her adventures. The tile floor, tile hearth, and leather couches have all been in on the rolling action, a few times with ouchy consequences. But, as her Grammy said, she will get bruises, there is only so much I can do.



Maddie continues to like singing and music of any kind. Just today I purchased her first musical toy, a drum that makes different noises depending on what you drop inside (instrument noises, animal noises, and a lot of songs). So far, she loves it. Her eyes grow wide with excitement upon hearing a new noise. "Old MacDonald" is still our Ace in the Hole, a song that makes the tears stop and the smiling/singing start. Maddie loves to hum along to almost any song, but especially that farmyard favorite (props to my country raisin'.)



Maddie must have inherited her parents' love for sleep, as she is the Queen of Sleeping! For fear of losing all friends, I have stopped telling my friends just how much she sleeps at night. But between you and me, internet, she is up to 12 hours + at night. It is mah-ve-lous! Naps are short and sweet, but are starting to consolidate into longer times, especially with all the rolling that's been going on. (Just this afternoon, she's working on over two hours as I type this! Hooray!)



Laughing is abundant in our home these days due to Maddie's ever-increasing antics and her ability to make the funniest faces, sounds, and movements. Tutu taught her to raspberry, and it is one of her most favorite activities. She will blow raspberries at just about anyone in an attempt to get them to play with her, or just to admire her general cuteness and amazing noise-making skills. Just the other night I nursed her to sleep and when I placed her in the crib, she woke up for just a second, blew a raspberry, and then laid her head down to sleep. I cracked up all the way down the stairs on my way to tell her dad.





Maddie is amazing. She is a gift. She is more fun, more loveable, more kissable and more delightful than we ever could have imagined. Happy half-year birthday, my sweet girl. I'm so proud to be your Mama.

too dang fast

Shortly after M turned five months old, I was nursing her to sleep upstairs in the nursery when I realized just. how. BIG. she. is. Her wavy-haired head was nestled in the crook of my arm and her daddy long legs dangled precariously between the rungs beneath the armrest on the other side. She was literally spilling off my lap, a relaxed pile of milk-drunk limbs. For the first time since Madeleine's birth, I cried about her growth, the changing that is happening so fast.

Everyone tells you this, "it will go by so fast," as you enter parenthood, along with a barrage of other negative comments such as "oh, this one's a good sleeper? just wait for the next!" or, "you think that's bad?! Let me tell you a REAL infant horror story!" or, my personal favorite, "don't get used to it!," like my lovely baby will turn evil any moment.

There seems to exist among parents a bad news club, or this need to negate positive experiences and sweet moments with some sort of whacked-out backwards parent karma: what seems good now will one day be bad. Why is that? Out of many, many women who I spoke to about labor and delivery, only a select few told me positive stories about their own, and only one told me what was the absolute truth (in my own experience): your labor can be a wonderful time.

As I sat in the rocker with tears in my eyes, I grieved for the moment that would never again be. My child, still so much a baby, was changing by the minute into a bigger, smarter, more independent person.

With each new day, a new development. With each milestone, a celebration. Each morning I love her more and more, and it is true, what parents say (positively, I might add): each stage is your favorite. But she's my child; of course every stage is my favorite because she is absolutely my most favorite thing in the world.

I am in awe of who she already is and find myself wondering at the little girl, teenager, grown woman she will one day be. But these flash-forwards are fleeting, because there are far too many in-the-moment times where I celebrate who she is at that very second, even if the celebration involves tears at the infant she is leaving behind.

Picture Updates

At 5 months, 1 1/2 weeks, Maddie continues to be a whole lot of fun. She started babbling about a few weeks back, her favorite vocalizations involving some combination of the sounds ba, da, la, and ya. She laughs at almost anything, especially the dog, being tickled, and funny noises or faces. In addition, she's a breeze to take on errands, finally accustomed to being in a carseat or stroller and spending the time looking all around.

Naps continue to be anyone's guess, as she'll take 3 long naps one day, and barely sleep an hour during the day the next! However, she almost always sleeps 10-11 hours at night, going to bed earlier and earlier these days. Some mornings start pretty early, but after a little experiement this morning, we found ourselves getting an extra 30 minutes of sleep when Maddie went back to sleep after 10 or so minutes of babbling.

The world is Maddie's playground now. She wants anything that her Daddy or I have in our hands, especially food and drinks. She loves to drink out of Mama's glass and is enjoying her bites of cereal 1-2 times a day. We'll start fruits and vegetables before long, and look forward to the funny faces! In this picture she is exploring one of Daddy's beautiful planter boxes, and we managed to get a picture taken before too many flowers met their untimely death at her chubby, grabby hands.

The hair continues to fall out slowly, leaving telltale shed on Maddie's crib sheet and shirt collars. It's mostly in a mohawk and thick along the base of her head, but there's still enough to enjoy barrettes, ponytails, and ribbons!

Papa and Grammy are visiting this weekend, so Maddie has lots of grandparent love to look forward to! We'll be celebrating our anniversaries together with an overnight wine tasting trip to Sonoma. Mom and Dad are toasting 35 years of marriage, Ben and I are on number 7. Lots of fun to be had!

Only 3 1/2 weeks until our Kauai vacation! That means only 3 1/2 more weeks to work on my base color, lose a few more baby pounds, and only a few more busy work weeks for Ben before relaxed family time. Hooray!

vacation tales

If you ever want to remember why you married your husband, take him on vacation. Upon leaving work for an extended period of time, my husband becomes the fun, loving, affectionate, laidback guy I fell in love with (10!) years ago. Not that he's lame the other 46-48 weeks a year, but there is something about vacation that brings out the best in us all. Time away from the demands of home and office make life almost carefree. That, and two weeks of fishing two amazing trout rivers made him boy-like, giddy and talkative.

This was my first vacation post-Maddie. I wasn't really prepared for the fact that vacation doesn't, really, exactly mean vacation for the Mama. Not that I'm asking for your pity, because any mom reading this post had me figured out at the title, most likely. When you are a mom, your job goes with you on vacation. And she doesn't get less demanding.

Things got especially interesting when my poor sweet child spiked a 102 fever on Memorial Day, followed by a week and a half of diarrhea. When your child is sick, you don't really want to be on vacation. One night the two of us walked the halls until 1:30am when she finally had the bowel movement we'd been waiting for most of the night, enduring screams followed by body writhing and tears. In moments like these the beautiful log cabin with moose and reindeer decorations, large jacuzzi tub, and gleeful husband don't seem quite so magical. You kind of wish for the comforts of home: your own couch, the baby's own bed, freezer stocked with pre-made chocolate chip cookie dough chunks.

The whole vacation wasn't a bust. Maddie was mostly herself despite the ouchy tummy. My hubby was a delight to be around. The cabin was warm and cozy and almost like home. We had a great time with family before Memorial Day, pre-fever.

But it's interesting to know that vacations are hereby different. Not bad, different, because I absolutely love being a mom. And I'd much rather have my husband home and still be "working" myself then be at home while he's gone all day.

Tuesday

5:40am Daddy's alarm goes off; Daddy pushes snooze
5:52am Maddie wakes up, talking in her crib
5:53am Daddy gets in the shower
5:55am Pick her up, change her diaper while she dramatizes (fake cries)
5:58am Nurse on right side in bed
6:16am Daddy kisses us goodbye
6:26am Stop dozing, switch to left side
7:48am Maddie wakes up, looks me in the eyes and smiles wide
7:55am Start coffee pot, put Maddie on tiny love play gym
8:14am Take dog outside while drinking first cup of coffee, wipe off exersaucer
8:21am Put Maddie in exersaucer, drink second cup of coffee
8:41am Maddie starts to get bored, set cup down to pick her up
8:52am Take Maddie upstairs, change diaper, rock, nurse, rock, put down in crib asleep
10:22am Maddie wakes up smiling
10:23am Change Maddie's diaper, change out of pajamas into dress, socks, and headband
10:42am Leave to run an errand to Babies 'R' Us for supplies
11:45am Maddie falls asleep briefly in sling in store! Oh no! Sleeps only about 8 minutes.
11:55am Drive home, Maddie crying in back seat, text Daddy to ask him to pick up sushi for lunch
12:05pm Nurse Maddie, rock, walk through hall, turn on fan, place in crib, take out of crib, nurse again, put in sling, talk to Daddy while he starts eating lunch, finally place awake, crying baby in crib at 1:17
1:18-1:33pm Scarf down California rolls, try to make conversation while listening to baby cry
1:33pm Walk around upstairs outside nursery trying to decide whether to go in
1:43pm Take baby out of crib, lay down in bed and nurse, fall asleep when baby stops nursing about 2:30
3:08pm Maddie wakes up, try to soothe back to sleep, no success, get up
3:12pm Place baby in swing, hoping to eke out another 45 minutes of naptime, she falls asleep for about five minutes but wakes back up, nap not a success
3:42pm Get tennis shoes on, put baby in stroller, dog on leash and head out for a walk
4:42pm Return home, nurse baby, who falls asleep nursing for about 10 minutes and then jerks self awake, try to get back to sleep, no success
5:33pm Decide to eat dinner b/c it looks like a long night of getting overtired baby to sleep ahead. Dinner is turkey sandwich, sugar snap peas, pita chips and Crystal Light
5:59pm Take Maddie upstairs, change diaper, put in jammies
6:05-6:30pm Nurse Maddie
6:30pm Maddie falls asleep nursing, continue rocking for 15 minutes to make sure she's out
6:44pm Move Maddie's limp legs and arms to ensure depth of sleep, rise from rocker, move toward crib
6:45pm Place Maddie in crib, Maddie startles awake and starts making rapid gasping noises when realizes she's being put down to sleep
6:45 and 33 seconds Lift baby up and try to soothe back to sleep
6:51pm Baby awake, Mama exhausted. Place awake baby in crib. Take long, hot shower. Decide to try first night of Weissbluth's letting baby self-soothe as long as necessary.
7:02pm Long, hot shower actually only 11 minutes in duration, baby still crying.
7:03-7:06pm Towel off, enter baby's room to peek in crib. Baby wide awake, eyes Mama and makes big gummy smiles to entice Mama to take her out of crib.
7:08pm Mama returns to master bedroom, picks up Weissbluth's "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and turns to section about bedtime to get courage to not return to baby's side.
7:14pm Baby stops crying. Mama breathes HUGE sigh of relief and goes downstairs.
7:42pm Baby wakes up crying, Mama inhales sharply and feels heart start beating rapidly. Maddie moves around in crib, settles back to sleep after just 2 minutes. Mama sighs deeply.
7:42-9:00 Mama picks up house, starts dryer to refluff clothes left from yesterday, cleans dinner dish, drinks a large glass of chocolate milk, checks favorite blogs, finishes daily crossword and types up blog entry.
9:18pm Blog entry completed. Baby still sleeping. American Idol a big upset.

life is rich

My Dear Little One,


Tonight as I cuddled you in my arms before putting bed I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude and contentment. This week marks one year since finding out you were on the way. The joy we felt in that moment of seeing the positive pregnancy test is nothing compared to the joy we feel with you in our lives now.

The relief I feel when you finally fall asleep at night is nothing like the longing, my arms suddenly light and strangely empty upon placing you in your crib. It is so nice to have some adult time but we can't wait for the morning and your bright, smiling face to join us in bed for your morning snack, hair wild and crazy with sweat and hard sleep.

These days when you nurse you regularly pause to gaze up into my eyes and communicate your love in small phrases such as "ah-goo," "mmaaa" or "yayaya." I swear today while playing you looked up at me and said "Hi!" As your daddy prepared his sermon today, talking out loud you watched intently, commenting every few minutes as if giving advice on what to say.

You were and are a miracle. God is so gracious to have given you to us, with your gummy smiles, adorable laughter, chubby wrists, cheesy thighs, yummy snuggles and cheery disposition. We are crazy about you and we love you so much!

Maddie Laughs

Something I cannot get enough of these days is the laugh of my itty bitty girl. I am shameless in my pursuit of the next giggle, pulling out the craziest and silliest of faces, maneuvers and voices in order to capture that one, perfect laugh. It often comes by surprise, sneaking out of her smiling mouth with pure, untamed cuteness. It is one of those fabulous milestones of parenthood, hearing your child's very first laughs, like a little piece of heaven.

The girl wakes up happy, from every nap, no matter how short. 15 minutes? Still wakes up smiling. 3:45 in the morning? Smiley. It's amazing.

And then there's her naked, chubby little body. She is absolutely delectable, with so many edible parts it's just amazing that I'm always covered in her slobber and not the other way around. I feel like every time I peel off the layers for bath time or nudey time, there's another roll or wrinkle to be explored with my kissy lips.


As a matter of fact, the only thing that is somewhat trying about this stage of life is that Maddie wants to be awake all day. She hates to miss out on any fun that might be had, sometimes waking up after going down for a nap only 14 minutes earlier (see paragraph on smiling, above). She also rarely makes it through a feeding session without playing multiple batty eyelash games with her mama. So I spend a lot of time nursing and putting to sleep, but it is all worth it to see those smiling eyes looking up, whether it's been 13 minutes or two and half hours.

Maddie on Tape

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3 Months/Happy Easter

Maddie turns 3 months this week. I can hardly believe how the time is flying by. Each day I grow more in love with this little person whose smiles, screams and sweetness regularly amaze me. This month Maddie started noticing her hands, which she moves toward her face/mouth with intensity and amazement. She also has started reaching for things, though quickly loses track of said grabbed items because she drops her hands down to her sides, out of sight. Ooohhh, that's my hand, and there's that rattle I was looking for!

Her dad and I had the divine pleasure of experiencing yet another growth spurt, starting around 11 1/2 weeks and lasting 4 or so days. Essentially 4 days of nonstop nursing accompanied by a high-pitched scream with the loudness and tenacity of a toddler. Leaving us to wonder, Where has our sweet, innocent little baby gone and what is with the banshee screaming?

Well, the spurt is now behind us but the scream remains. Apparently, screaming is a very effective way to get your needs met. Nonetheless, now that we know she's not in pain, but simply demanding something to change, it is kind of endearing, in a A-scream-only a-mother-could-love type of way.


Maddie also met her extended maternal family for the first time this month, visiting Oregon a couple of weeks ago. She is a well-loved girl with many aunts, uncles, cousins, grammies, papas, mimis and the like standing in line to hold her. It is so wonderful to have families that love and enjoy our baby as much as we do. And they assure us she is as cute as we think she is.

Another first this month was Nudey Time. Madeleine loves to be naked in the bath and so we decided to lay down some cloth diapers and give her some fresh air. As you can well imagine, it was a big hit and will become a regular activity here in the Joyce household.


Mama just can't get enough of styling Maddie's hair these days, as it continues to grow and remain delightfully wavy. She's got her dad's out-of-control bedhead in the morning and after bath it is particularly fun to swirl and twirl.

Happy Easter everyone!

2 Months

This past week Maddie celebrated 2 months of life. And what a difference a month makes! Her first month of life was, well, mostly difficult but dotted with moments of pure joy. The second month? Pure joy dotted with only the slightest bit of difficulty. Maddie is a love. She hardly cries, except when hungry, tired, or poopy. She coos and smiles almost constantly because her father or I cannot stop talking in sing-song voice and making crazy sounds just to see those glorious wide eyes turn to smiling eyes. She is sleeping like a pro, 8 hours in a row last night! Nursing is fabulous, she gets the job done in 25 or 30 minutes and nothing makes her happy like the boobie. It is so wonderful to know we always have an ace in the hole, should something upset her.

Maddie's first shots were Friday. She made it through the first two with not even a peep. The third caused her to whine and fuss for just a few seconds, and before we picked her up off the doctor's table, she actually gave her daddy a big, wide smile. She was much braver than I. Next time maybe I won't be such a chicken and hide behind her dad (I did watch, I just couldn't be the one to hold her down on the table.


She now weighs 11 pounds, 5 ounces and is 23 3/4 inches long (85th and 97th percentiles, respectively). Our little peanut is more in the realm of a brazil nut, relatively speaking. She is the size of an average 4 month old, according to our wonderful pediatrician. I'm not sure if all doctors are like Dr. T, but I leave his office feeling like a million bucks. My baby is "beautiful," she is sleeping "like a pro," "ahead of the game," and "cute." Not that I need a doctor to confirm all these things which I know for myself, but boy does he do a wonder for the mommy esteem.

I love being a stay at home mom. It is so wonderful to wake up with this little angel of a baby, spend all day with her, and put her down at night. I love seeing my wonderful hubby as a dad. He is proud, absolutely smitten, and just as crazy as I expected. We are officially twitterpated.

the days fly by

seven weeks and counting...

My baby is getting so big! And she is the delight of our lives...smiling, cooing, making funny faces. We can't get enough of her sweetness.

The thing with parenting is, just when you think you've gotten it down, something changes. She was sleeping 4-6 hour stretches and then she wasn't. She was going down easy to sleep, now it's taking a while. She seemed to ease off on the nursing and then she was back to every 1 1/2-2 hours. But it is all worth it, because now in my seasoned-parent-mindfulness, I know that all things are just phases and she will soon move on to new (greener) pastures.

Our first trip to visit family has been scheduled for 3 weeks from now. We're so excited for Maddie to meet the Painter family, including Grammy and Papa, Uncles and Aunt, cousins, as well as great-grandmas and grandpa. It will be so wonderful to have her with my family after so many weeks without meeting these wonderful people.

Maddie did great on an all-day outing for her daddy's birthday. She slept in the car on the way to Napa, continued to sleep all through breakfast, nursed at the first winery, put on a smiling and cooing show for the adoring fans, slept to the next winery, nursed, and slept the way home. What a good girl!

She's also now fitting into some "big girl" clothes, much to her father's chagrin ("I'm not ready for big girl clothes! Put her back in the onesies and sleepers!") But she has so many cute outfits...I can't keep her in 0-3 forever! There are so many moments when I'm snuggling her (after nursing, in the middle of the night) when I think to myself, if I could just keep her here forever, this perfect little size with the sweet breath and kissable neck and little sighs. But I know my love will only continue to grow with each day she's with us!

Recovering

No one could have prepared me for the two truths of parenthood: 1) a newborn is absolutely exhausting and the schedule is SO demanding, and; 2) the love I have for this little baby is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Maddie is an absolute dream of a baby right now--she is sleeping between 3-6 hours at night, feeding well during the day, and responsive smiling at us right after nursing and when she first wakes up. That, with the cooing and daily changes in her voice, well it has me by the heartstrings. She is fun and cute and snuggly and hilarious.

If I would have blogged a week and a half ago, this post would have sounded seriously more depressing. My nipples were sore and cracked, my baby refused to nurse at times, I spent twenty minutes sobbing on the floor of the nursery when in the middle of the night I had to break down and give my ravenous child formula after attempting to nurse for 40 minutes. Maddie was waking up twenty minutes after one feeding, ready for the next. The 3-week growth spurt was no joke in the Joyce household!

As of yesterday, we're up to the 75th percentile for weight, 97th for height! We're not sure where she got the long body, maybe in the family genes, but not from mama or daddy! It was a beautiful February day in the Bay Area (70 degrees) so we decided to take Madeleine for her first trip to the beach. We ate lunch in the sunshine, made it through our first public breastfeeding (I don't think I flashed anyone and it was totally fine), took Maddie to see the ocean (she slept through it all) and made a stop at Poppy and Tutu's on the way home. I was afraid she might be overstimulated after such a busy day but the little sweetheart slept from 9 until 2:30. I love those long stretches...they feel like a full night's sleep after the 3-week non-stop nurse fest.

I'd tell any new parent to stick it out for the first month, to realize that nursing is very difficult at times, the schedule is absolutely overwhelming and the lack of sleep can cause some real emotional moments...but it is all worth it. Even being totally prepared and even experienced in caring for little ones, we had no idea just how difficult but rewarding this journey would be. Every morning I sing praises for this little miracle of life, knowing my love just swells every moment I spend with her!

Happy Valentine's Day

Bird Bath

Maddie's Birth Story

Saturday afternoon we visited Dr. Wells for a checkup and learned I was over 1 cm dilated and 80% effaced. However, Maddie was not dropping down against the cervix, preventing further progress (or making progress likely to be slow). Dr. Wells stripped my membranes and offered us the option of waiting things out for a few days or being induced over the weekend. After thinking it over, and learning that the L&D ward was empty, we decided to go ahead with the induction.

Upon arriving at the hospital, we discovered that I was in early labor and experiencing mild contractions. They started a pitocin drip around 4pm and steadily increased the amount every 15 minutes. Contractions started out easy, progressing to menstrual cramp-like sensations I could easily talk through, to more intense feelings that required me to stop talking, close my eyes and concentrate. We walked around the room, sat in bed, leaned over, slow danced, and eventually I made it to 3 cm after a number of hours. At this point the pain was not too bad, but it seemed as though there was no break between contractions to catch my breath. Relaxation techniques and positive thoughts were helping only somewhat.

Around 7pm that evening Dr. Wells decided to rupture the membranes. Given that my contractions were becoming more intense, and with the knowledge that the rupture would bring on even more painful and rapid labor, I decided to go ahead with the epidural. As the anesthesiologist administered the block, I leaned forward and was pleasantly surprised at how easy the process was…it hurt for only a second like a bee sting when the local anesthetic was given.

After that, all I can say is labor was an absolute breeze. I slept through the remainder of the dilation, all the way to 10 cm. Granted, it was not uninterrupted sleep, as we were not only excited beyond belief but I was being checked every 1-2 hours and the bp cuff went off every 10 minutes. If I happened to bend my arm within those 10 minutes, I would be rudely awakened by the painful constriction of my arm flesh. Contractions felt like mild warm tightening, and I sensed them only on the lower right side of my abdomen. Then there were the beeping machines, an epidural alarm which kept misfiring and my own bp monitor which seemed to be out of whack. Right when we’d fall asleep, something would inevitably beep or alarm.

In early labor Maddie did not like me to lie on my right side. Her heartrate would drop, so they had me lay on my left side, causing the epidural effects to be concentrated there (hence feeling contractions only on the right). However after a bit of progression, it seemed the problem corrected itself and she didn’t seem to mind me switching sides. I progressed at a rate of about 1-1 ½ cm every two hours.

At 9 am the next day I made it to 10 cm and was told that in a little while we would start pushing. Family and friends Mike and Bonnie, Jennie, Gregg and Kelly, Mike and Kara, Susan and Andrew and the boys were waiting in the family lounge. They came in to say hi before the pushing began, at around 9:45.

I pushed for over an hour and a half, watching my progress in the full-length mirror. Pushing seemed natural to me, though not in any way easy. Early in the process I was able to reach down and feel her little cone-shaped head starting to make its entrance into the world. I remember Ben saying “she’s almost here” and the doctor saying “harder, Becky, harder.” I could see her head crowning but she was stuck in the same position (almost out) for quite a while. Doctor Wells said he was going to need to do an episiotomy to get her the rest of the way out. I cringed, and he decided to wait and give me a few more pushes to try on my own. The process was tiring. Doing four pushes per contraction was not always doable. There were times I didn’t make it to the count of ten because of the sheer exhaustion of it all. Eventually Dr. Wells went ahead with the episiotomy and he told me to listen carefully as he would guide me through the next pushes, saying first “easy, go about half way” and then “okay give it just a little squeeze” and out she came! I immediately started crying as the amniotic fluid poured out and he lifted her around to wave at me. Then she was placed right on my abdomen where we welcomed her beautiful, round and soft body into the world. We were able to talk to her and love on her (she didn’t cry hardly at all) for a few minutes before they took her to the warming table. She started to cry more heartily and Ben went over to comfort her, singing “Jesus Loves Me” which instantly calmed her down.

Her apgar scores were 8 and 9 and she was a healthy 8 pounds, 4 ounces. Dr. Wells sewed me up and said he was glad with the small amount of damage done given Maddie’s size. I could hardly complain at that point, with my beautiful daughter in my arms.

They gave me a medication to help the uterus contract the placenta out. Shortly after, I became really ill, vomiting multiple times (despite two doses of Zofran) before finally feeling like myself around 4 or 5pm. At that point, I had been crying because I was so frustrated that I couldn’t just enjoy my baby due to throwing up every time I tried to hold her on my belly. But it was almost as a switch was flipped and I felt better in time to try and nurse her.

In the hospital we were constantly woken by nurses, nursing assistants, people changing our garbage, delivering the food tray, removing the food tray. It was exhausting. Then we discovered we could put a note on the door saying “Mommy’s napping…don’t come back ‘til later.” After that we slept a little more soundly.

Ten days later, we are totally and completely, 100%, head over heels in love with Maddie. She is absolutely the most amazing, beautiful, sweet, gentle and precious gift we imagined she’d be. Nursing is taking off, as she is more awake now and stirs herself when hungry. At this moment she sleeps soundly in her cradle downstairs. We are beside ourselves with joy.

She's Here!!

Madeleine Noelle has arrived!
Born January 14, 2007
11:21 am
8 pounds, 4 ounces
21 inches long

Birth story in progress...

in bed

No, not bed rest. Rather, sick as a dog with a horrible cold and need to stay in bed to rest. Seriously. Could it get any worse? Plagued with end of pregnancy aches and pains and then hit with this awful bug. My lips are chapped, nose is stuffed, head clouded, pelvis sore, belly large.

But the baby is doing well...moving right now, tickling my ribs with those little baby toes. 9 days until D-day, but so far she's content to stay in her warm and cozy home. Fine with us, as the OB was on skiing vacation with his family this week. She can just stay put for a few more days, then we're free to go!

4 weeks to go

36 weeks: It came so fast. The holidays really help speed things along in the final trimester. Maddie continues to stay head-down, feet in my ribs or poking out toward the side. Her movements are slower, more controlled, though sometimes at night she still dances around, hands and feet both moving to her own little beat. When she really stretches her legs out, I like to tap or tickle the bottoms of her feet and feel her move them around. It's so fun to interact with her.

Today is my last day of work...maternity leave, here I come! I will probably spend my first week off sleeping like a log. I seriously cannot get enough sleep these days. Thankfully Maddie is super quiet at night and so I've been getting good, hard sleep (at least until I have to turn over). I've been so blessed to get some rest in these weeks. I think we've been going so hard for so long that my body just shuts down at night in order to be ready for the next day. I cannot wait to be off work, relaxing at home, preparing for Christmas.

down but not out

At my 33 week check-up yesterday the doctor confirmed that our little one has migrated into the head-down position. We knew she had moved somewhat because her little movements are in totally different areas than before. Mostly she likes to curl her toes around my ribs and hang out like a little baby bat.

Last Friday she assumed such an awkward, protruding position along my left side that we thought she might just pop through my skin and onto the bed, like a little projectile baby. I've heard crazy stories, but when you actually see your belly bending and stretching beyond any of your wildest imaginings, you finally understand just how crazy this pregnancy thing really is.

Ben took a picture, but it doesn't quite capture the feeling (ouch!) nor the hilarity of the event. She actually assumed the position twice before settling into her current c-shaped arrangement. Since our doc confirmed the position now Ben can sing and conversate with her without wondering if he's talking into her little bootie.

Giving Thanks

I have an amazing family, and for them I am truly grateful.

A few pictures from the big day:

3 pregnant ladies...my cousin's wife at 25 weeks, my sister-in-law at 24 weeks and me at 32 weeks


















My hubby, who is quite the pushover for our little niece...can you imagine how he'll be when Maddie arrives??!!!

Why Oh Why...

...do they make flesh-colored speedos?

Since we started training for our triathlon last January, I've been frequenting a local pool to swim a few times a week. Since I've been pregnant, it's been a great way to get exercise without overworking my heartrate or joints.

Which brings me to my current dilemma: Why do grown men (old grown men, at that) think it is okay to wear flesh-colored speedos, let alone wear speedos at all? As if it weren't bad enough seeing these men several times a week at the pool, a recent occurrence made me want to hang up my goggles altogether.

Flesh-colored Speedo Old Guy (hereafter referred to as FSOG) undresses right on the pool deck, and on the first occassion in which I first laid be-goggled eyes on him, I thought to myself, "the guy left his undershorts in his sweatpants." But, upon closer inspection, I realized that no, in fact, he was wearing what I now know to be the aforementioned speedos.

As if this wasn't enough to make me want to switch lanes (let alone pools), FSOG is also a splasher. There are a few annoying swimming styles which happen to find the open lane right next to me every time (much like the phenomena in which you find yourself at the grocery store, always behind the person who forgets a certain item and leaves their cart in front of yours to run back to aisle 1,072 and return 3 weeks later). Anyway, among the most annoying styles are FSOG aka "the splasher," green speedo guy aka "the water plow" and "Olympic Hopeful" nos. 1 and 2. All of them swim in such a way as to move the greatest amount of water from their lane into mine, filling my open, breathing mouth with buckets of chlorinated H20.

But I'm getting away from the real story. Just when I though I'd seen it all, I found myself swimming along (quite well, despite my 7-month pregnant belly) in the deep end of the pool. Basic pool etiquette (not unlike public bathroom stall etiquette) led me to choose a lane at least once removed from the swimmers on either side. To my right, one open lane between me and the rope. To my left, 3 open lanes between myself and Olympic Hopeful no. 2. Guess what lane FSOG chooses? The one between me and the rope. As I returned to the side of the pool, I thought to myself, I'll just have to move over a lane, not as much to keep etiquette as to avoid drowning in only 10 feet of water.

As I neared the edge, FSOG dove in, not only splashing me with lots of water (a given), but giving my de-fogged goggled eyes a clear, open glimpse of his old, fleshy, hairy crack above the top of his old, stretched-out, flesh-colored speedos.

when did i become such a naughty blogger?

I think about this blog all the time. I read blogs every day. But I can't seem to bring myself to my own blog to type anything worthwhile.

My life has been a little crazy lately. I think I have a mild case of compassion fatigue, or the exhaustion that comes from caring for others all the time. I mean, caring is my job, it's what I do. It's what I enjoy, for the most part. But it can get overwhelming.

I thought I would break down this past weekend, when it felt as if everything had bubbled to the surface: mom's cancer and treatment options, taking my licensure exam, opening new cases, leading a support group at church...the list went on and on. I found myself actually dreading the thought of listening to one more person's sad story and providing compassion. I'm so ashamed to admit that, but there you have it.

That was Sunday. Today is Wednesday and I'm feeling a lot better. I purposefully kept my schedule light this week so as to avoid overwhelming myself with client stories. I've scheduled in time to study for my exam (long story---rescheduled for next week). I'm not feeling so fatigued and I think I've been a pretty good counselor to a handful of kids this week.

Pregnancy is hard work; don't let anyone tell you any different. I think that the emotions of pregnancy coupled with the month I've had led to the feelings of exhaustion described above. But more than hard work, pregnancy is a constant source of joy. This little bean, who moves all the time, never ceases to make me smile and even laugh out loud. I wonder what she's doing in there when I feel multiple taps to the left, or a lot of firm stretching in the front. The last few weeks she's been kicking me hard, multiple times in a row, so others have been able to experience her movement. This morning she was moving slowly, rubbing some little body part against my hand which was pressed against the upper part of my belly.

This morning I told my hubby that I hope it's not vain to be so in love with my belly. I don't even think of it as me any more, but rubbing, touching, talking, cuddling, cupping the belly are all ways of connecting with and showing affection to the little one within. It is so blessed. I am so blessed.

and because a baby update is needed

I had such good intentions for writing frequently, as I'm sure most bloggers do. But I find myself with less and less interesting things to write about. Who wants to hear about my growing belly besides a few dedicated Maddie-Fans? (Considering they're the only ones reading this blog, I guess it's not such a bad thing I'm pregnancy-obsessed).

22 weeks and feeling great! Pregnancy seems to suit me well, and I feel good most days. There are some stretching pains but they are infrequent. Madeleine likes to hang out on one side of my belly, especially when I've been sitting for a while. But she'll move if I get up and walk around or rub my belly where she's balled up. Sleeping improved greatly when I purchased my deluxe plush body pillow from Costco for $11.99 (eat your heart out, pregnancy pillows)!

Madeleine moves all the time, and it still catches me by surprise and makes me giggle. In the early morning, she often wakes me up with gentle yet pronounced kicks to my side. Ben has been able to feel her during these morning exercise routines, and it is fun to snuggle with his hand cupping my side, both of us laughing with amazement at her movement. He also talks to her frequently, telling her all about his day. Our poor dog Hanalei always tries to wedge her way in when he talks to the belly, as his voice is high and sing-songy, much like the "daddy voice" he uses with her.

The nursery is nearly done: walls painted, peg rail hung, pictures up, crib and dresser in place. We still have to get new closet knobs and Ben's mom is working diligently on our crib bedding. I feel great that we are well ahead of the game and we did it early enough that I was able to help out.

We found out sad news last week. My mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer, so we await a more precise prognosis and surgery details. For a few days I was in quite a funk, but I started to feel people's prayers set in and an overwhelming sense of peace has been with me lately. One thing infertility has taught me is to be patient and to trust the One who created me. I totally trust that he who began a good work in my mom will be faithful to complete it. And I trust that he is a God of healing. So I cling to these truths and do my best to be strong and prayerful for my mom.

September 11th

I've read a lot of 9/11 posts in the past few days, as well as newspaper articles, and last night I watched a 9/11 TV documentary while babysitting for our friends. Even my alma mater is seeking bits about where people were on 9/11. So here's my story...

September 11th, 2001 was my first day of graduate school at the University of Pennsylvania School of Social Work in Philadelphia. After a few years of working in children's grief, I knew I wanted and needed a graduate degree to do what I wanted most--provide support and hope for grieving children and families. As I rode the train into the city, I looked forward to the day when I would have my degree and be able to fulfill my calling.

As I walked into my second class of the day in our small, old building, the TV showed a scene of a tall building smoking. I turned to another student and asked what was happening, to the extent of "is this for real?" He didn't know much, other than a plane had flown into one of the World Trade Center towers in New York. (Not being from the East coast, I had no idea what I was seeing--how my perspective changed that day) We watched, mouths agape, as other students filed in and immediately turned toward the TV.

My professor arrived, watched TV for a few minutes, and then turned it off and suggested we start class. The discomfort in the room was palable--were we really going to try and focus on learning when a major disaster was occuring in our backyard? It wasn't 15 minutes before someone popped their head in the door to say classes had been cancelled and it was recommended that all students and staff vacate the school.

My friend and I walked hurriedly and quietly, unsure of what to say in such a time. Upon arriving at the train station, we were informed that all trains in and out of Philly had been cancelled due to the terrorist attacks. I phoned my husband on my cell phone and asked that he and my friend's husband come to get us right away. I remember that my cell phone kept saying "All circuits are busy." So when I called my parents I used my calling card and a payphone. As my parents lived on the West coast, and we were far away in the East, I called to let them know that the attacks had happened close to where we were, but that we were all safe. My mom was grateful for the call, but didn't seem alarmed. (She told me later, upon watching a news report on TV, she burst into tears when they announced Philadelphia as a possible target for the attacks. My family simply had no idea how close things are out East.)

After reaching our husbands and making a plan for pickup, we ducked into a nearby bar to watch TV and find out more information. The bar was silent except for the TV and a few people trying half-heartedly to crack jokes and lighten the mood. All of us stood, transfixed, eyes toward the few TVs in the place. Tears rolled down cheeks of those around me. I just couldn't believe this was happening. My safe, secure world became suddenly so strange and surreal. I remember wanting so desperately to be home in Sandy, Oregon, where terrorists had no targets or interests.

Our husbands arrived in a short 45 minutes, much to our surprise. We expected that the roads would be packed with traffic given the movement en masse from the cities. That afternoon, we hooked up our TV (for the majority of our married life--6 plus years--we've not had TV, a conscious choice that started to improve the quality of our studying and eventually became a commitment to spending quality time together). For days, weeks even, we were hooked on the news reports. They showed the same scenes over and over: planes crashing, towers falling, people running away from ground zero crying, screaming, and covered in white ash.

In the weeks to come we realized just how great the impact of 9/11 was on our community. People in my class lost loved ones in the attacks. Families in our church lost fathers. The couple I baby-sat for regularly had multiple funerals in a few short weeks because so many of their friends and colleagues died.

This couple wanted so badly to protect their children (ages 3 and 6 months) from the horrible reality of the terrorist attacks. They didn't turn on their TV except at night while the children slept. They spoke to me in code about funeral arrangements and the extent of their grief. And they tried their hardest to keep their toddler safe from the confusion, sadness, and terror gripping his small Jewish school and community where so many lives had been lost. But I remember so distinctly that one afternoon as I sat on the floor with this little guy, he was acting out the very events of that day. He would use large red cardboard blocks to build a "tall tower" and then fly his small grey plane into the side, sending the blocks tumbling to the ground. I sat silently beside him as he repeated this action over and over and over.

In that moment, I knew that life had changed dramatically not only for me, but for everyone whose life would be touched or shattered by this tragic day. And it renewed my commitment to my calling, to the anticipation I felt that first day of school on 9/11. Death will always be a part of life; grief will forever be a reality. Counseling will always be one way to provide hope. And healing will always be possible.

over the hump

We've made it past twenty weeks, past the halfway point. And boy, does it feel good. Today we went in for our level II ultrasound and it might well be one of the happiest and most amazing times of my life. For the first time, going into this ultrasound, I really had no fears. I knew that what is growing inside is perfect and complete. Of course the u/s confirmed this for me, and now we are the proud owners of 16 beautiful shots of our beautiful daughter (which of course we will share with the grandparents).

I didn't expect to cry in the sonographer's office, but as I stared at our lovely little one, I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and amazement that I couldn't help but let the silent tears come. God is so good to give us this perfect gift. Our sonographer found out that my hubby is a pastor and she revealed she, too, is a believer. Throughout the u/s she kept saying how "beautiful" and "perfect" our baby is, and "what a gift" and "blessing" she will be to us. Near the end, she made us promise to bring the baby back to visit. At the end of the hour, I gave her a big hug without even thinking about it. She who had been a perfect stranger at 9am became an intimate friend by 10.

The creation of a human being is something I cannot comprehend as mere science. No, her body is a perfect miracle, of such detail and intricate design that it boggles the mind. Her strong, beating heart with an opening in the aortic septum that closes at birth. A placenta that delivers and screens and filters all necessary nutrients she needs for 40 weeks. A brain with clearly distinguishable hemispheres. Little, soft mouth that opens and closes and drinks in amniotic fluid. Stomach, kidneys, liver, bladder--all in working order. Unbelievable. Don't even get me started on her daddy's turned up nose and gorgeous profile. I can't stop bragging and she's not even here!

I don't know how we can possibly wait 20 more weeks to meet her.

more dreams

It was inevitable. Every pregnant blogger I follow (and believe me, there's lots) at some point has written about their whacko dreams. So far my nighttime meanderings have been extremely complex and also very memorable. I've had some very sweet and wonderful dreams, and also some strange ones that play off my most extreme fears and insecurities.But the past few nights I got into the just plain weird.

I won't bore you with the details of my bizarre dreams, other than to say that two nights ago my baby was the size of a small hampster and last night's dream involved a deformed newborn who talked and disappeared bit by bit with each wipe of her breastmilk poop-covered tooshie. It was the type of dream where midway through, my conscious mind said to my unconscious mind, "I know this is just a freaky pregnancy dream. Real babies might be born with physical deformities, but they don't talk or disappear when you wipe their booties."

The rest of the dream my conscious and unconscious minds played tennis, volleying back and forth between somewhat real and completely surreal. The poop was definitely "real"--yellow, seedy and all over the place. Finally finishing cleaning up the poop and putting a diaper the size of a band-aid on my now itsy-bitsy baby: not real. Actually, after I put the band-aid on, my baby turned into one of those old school, paper punch-out, dress-up dolls, the kind where the clothes wrapped around the flat, skinny lady with little white tabs. Freaky.

But there were real elements of the dream as well. At one point I distinctly said to my talking newborn, who had just asked about me the extent of her deformities, "I love you just the way you are." And I really meant it.

That part of the dream is probably the most significant. If you look at what most first-time moms worry about, it's that something will be wrong with their child. Will I make it through the first trimester? Is the nuchal fold okay? What will the blood tests say? 20-week ultrasound normal? Growing at the same rate as other babies? 10 fingers and 10 toes? The fears and worries are nearly constant, and I know from my friends who are moms that the worrying never stops. But what it always comes down to is that no matter what, I do and I will love this baby more than ever possibly imagined. You cannot put a limit on a mother's love, no matter what the outcome. Very rarely do we have "perfect" children. As a matter of fact, I have yet to meet a perfect child.

So I say, bring it on dreams. Let my conscious mind put the unconscious in its place. This baby was loved well before she anything more than a clump of cells growing and dividing.

dreaming of you

Dear Little One,

Last night I dreamt of you. The dream began with the realization that you were crying in an upstairs room. When I reached you, your head and neck were wet with tears and frustration. I picked you up and you nuzzled into my neck and chest, calming immediately with what can only be described as familiarity. I knew instinctly that you recognized my smell, my heartbeat, the sound of my voice and the shape of my body.

It was the first time I held you, and once you were still I couldn't keep from admiring every piece of your perfect, beautiful face. You had wispy brown hair that curled away from your face, almond shaped newborn-grey eyes, the sweetest button nose and full, kissable lips. Maybe it's vain, but you looked like me, and I know because I was specifically checking to see whether your dad's or my features found their way to your tiny face.

I kissed your face and your lips over and over, letting you suck on my lower lips and "kiss" me back, laughing at your hungry innocence. As I carried you down the stairs, your dad came to meet us and we couldn't believe how blessed we were to have you in that moment. Every wish, every dream fulfilled in a tiny, perfect, precious little baby.Our baby. Our friends were all gathered around, waiting to see you and welcome you home.

The dream ended as I made my way to a comfy chair to nurse you for the first time. I couldn't wait to hold you to my skin and provide you with the nourishment you sought, rooting around at your hand and my face as we approached the chair. Your father walked carefully beside us, moving things out of the way, clearing the chair, and smiling the biggest smile I've ever seen on his face.

It was the sweetest dream I've ever had the pleasure of dreaming, and when I woke to my own bed I wasn't sad the dream had ended. I cupped my hand around your small shape in my belly and fell back asleep, dreaming of the wonderful days ahead.

Love,

Mama

if this just doesn't make your day...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcCZABr_G1k

is it a him or a her, a ma'am or a sir?

At our 16 week appointment yesterday we got to hear the baby's heartbeat again. According to our doctor, it's "perfect!" I started to giggle and the heartbeat got all covered up by spasmodic static. :)

After answering a few questions, my doctor (the best ever) said "how about we take a look and see what we can see in there?" I about jumped off the table into his arms I was so happy! He told us to wait while he checked into the availability of an ultrasound room and the hubby and I danced around the room, so thrilled to see our little peanut again and *maybe* find out the sex.

I had wanted to ask about the possibility of an ultrasound, but just recently the staff hung posters ALL OVER the office saying that they offer one ultrasound to confirm pregnancy in the first trimester and the next u/s happens at 20 weeks with the perinatalogist. I figured they must have been getting lots of requests for ultrasounds in order to place these posters up everywhere. So the fact that Dr. W offered, well we were just beside ourselves with joy!

First of all, let me just say how nice it is to leave the transvaginal probe behind and move onto the more commonly recognized transducer wand which is placed on the OUTSIDE of the belly. Happy part number one.

The baby was so active the entire time, moving arms and legs and turning and dancing around in there. We weren't sure we'd get to see anything because little peanut had its legs firmly pressed together for most of the ultrasound, as in "there's nothing to see here, folks, move along." Our doctor tapped the u/s transducer around on my belly a few times to try and get those legs separated...and for a split moment, they opened.

Based on the doctor's short glimpse, we think it's a....GIRL! But we're not sure, so he told me to just come in again next week and have another look. Is my doctor not the most wonderful and amazing OB there is?

I could have stayed on that table all day, just watching with awe as the little one darted around and moved all her appendages for us to see. I can see why rich people (like Tom and Katie) buy their own sonogram machine, because you could seriously get addicted to watching the baby flit and flutter about. At least I could. I can't wait to go back.

Fabulous Fifteen Weeks and Super Sober Prego Woman

My girlfriend's bachelorette party was this past weekend at a lake a few hours away. It was a great relief to be near the water for a few days while it was 112 degrees at home. Yikes. The weekend was pretty much like high school--me the responsible non-drinker, winding about the festivities like a mother hen keeping track of all her wandering chicks.

As we left the small town bar at around 1:30 a.m. Friday night/Saturday morning, a number of concerned people were approaching the group of us, wondering how we could possibly make it home safely. Little did they know that my cocktails that evening had consisted of 4 glasses of water and two Shirley Temples, making me Super Sober Prego Woman! It was quite a sight to see me driving the whole lot of them home in someone's Ford F-350 Turbo Diesel king cab truck. Hilarious. I can definitely say that I am not one to be mother to multiple girls. Too much drama for this mama!

On Saturday morning, upon waking after less than five hours of sleep, I had a cup of tea and, as is my normal routine, took my prenatal and colitis meds as I prepared to eat breakfast. Well, the meal ended up taking longer than I predicted and I ended up throwing up for the first time this pregnancy! As I sat over the porcelain ring, I thought to myself, "Now this just isn't fair. I didn't even DRINK last night!" But a few minutes and some breakfast bites later, I felt much, much better.

All in all, I'm feeling much more like myself. Other than a few encounters with morning nausea in the past week, I've felt good. The other night I was hugging my hubby and he noticed something had come between us...the baby has already wriggled its way into the middle of our lives in the form of a belly bump. Too cute for words (the baby, not the expando belly).

I ordered some swatches online last week and they arrived in the mail. We're starting to plan out the baby's nursery, and I couldn't be more thrilled. This is exactly what I've been waiting for these past few years--the planning, the shopping, the preparations. It's all too wonderful.

where do you land?

So this was an interesting experience:

You are a Social Moderate (55% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (15% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

post-vacation glow

Oahu was amazing...it was exactly the babymoon we needed. Restful, relaxing, and fun! It's amazing what a few days in paradise does for the soul. Lots of swimming, snorkeling, sunbathing, boogie boarding, eating, walking, resting...and all of it together. :) I even managed to avoid getting a sunburn this time, just a slight tan. Though I'm no match for my brown hubby, who's had three weeks off to work on his lovely color.

There were lots of prego ladies and small babies on the island. It made us yearn for our little one more than ever. We'd gaze down at the little bump and say "we can't wait for you to come!" Granted, we want him/her to stay in there until good and ready, but the feeling of anticipation grows with each day. We hope to get started on the nursery in the next month or so, which will make things very real and very fun. And less than six weeks until we find out the sex of our baby...though we've been feeling the girl vibe lately.

Last night I talked to my sister-in-law and found out that theyr'e expecting their 3rd in March--just 7 or 8 weeks behind me. So at future holiday gatherings we will have 3 new babies to add to the bunch, with my cousin's little one due about the same time as my new niece/nephew. The family is super excited!

Not much else going on. I know that I'll have to talk with my clients soon about being pregnant, which makes me sad. I hate to be one more person to leave these kids, who've been abandoned so many times. It breaks my heart, yet I know that they need to have "good" goodbyes as a model to balance the many goodbyes that have been out of their control. I'm hoping and praying that there will be smooth transitions for all of them, and my own feelings of abandoning them won't negatively affect the work we can do in the next 5 months.

woosh woosh woosh

Today we heard the baby's heartbeat at our 12-week prenatal appointment. So very cool! I'm glad to be leaving the first trimester and venturing into the rosy glow of pregnancy stage. The nausea has all but disappeared...I haven't felt sick for almost 2 weeks. The only symptom I seem to have right now is an expanding waistline. A little bit of baby, a little bit of mama, as my friend used to say. It didn't help that I could only stomach carbs for 4-5 weeks there. Oh well. I'm so happy the baby is healthy and we're well on our way into month 4. Due date: January 15.

I found out this morning that my cousin and his wife are pregnant with their first, and I'm so excited. My mom and aunt are already planning a joint shower later this year. :) I'm happy for my mom to have her sister to enjoy the journey with! Even though it's not my mom's first grandbaby, I know she couldn't possibly be any more excited about this one.

We leave for Hawaii in two days! I can hardly wait. Good friends hooked me up with some pregnancy shorts and skirts to help me breathe a little more freely while on vacation. Thanks Kelly and Kara! Most of all I'm looking forward to just relaxing with my hubby, to catching up with each other and loving each other and enjoying all tropical paradise has to offer: sunsets, snorkeling, chichis and pupus, beautiful dancing and music, boogie boarding, swimming, mid-day naps, and loads of sunshine. We figure we're setting a good precedent for our little one, considering their first trip to Hawaii is at only 3 months of life. :)

out of the closet

Well, I made it past 11 weeks without telling the whole world. I came out at work today, after weeks of holding it in! Everyone was so happy and excited, and it was nice to share the news.

Already they're planning my Latina Mama baby shower...I'm hoping they forgo the cerveza and sexy Latino stripper, as I've heard of both elements being included in previous parties.

It's a relief to be out in the open...now I don't have to hold in my belly every time I'm walking past the veteran mamas (who had their suspicions well before this morning). I don't have to make lame excuses for being sick, cranky, rude, or frequenting the bathroom. And I'll finally get some much-deserved pregnancy sympathy. Ahhh.

Our next ultrasound is a week from today. We should be able to hear the baby's heartbeat. :)

On another note, my mom and I just returned from a whirlwind weekend in Chicago, where I was speaking at a conference. We had a great time, but unfortunately I came down with a cold shortly before leaving. It made for rough nights of sleep in a foreign bed. But we saw a lot of the city including the L, the Magnificent Mile, Milennium Park, Lake Michigan, Wrigleyville, the Theater District (where we watched Wicked--awesome), Lincoln Park...and all in just four days! No wonder we're so exhausted.

Hubby and I also planned a last-minute trip to Hawaii in a few weeks...a babymoon! We really need the time away together, and where else to go but tropical paradise? We leave a week from Friday, and I can hardly wait!

9 weeks 1 day

I've managed to make it into week 9 of the 40 week sojourn. Things seem to be a little bit better. I still get nauseous, though not as frequently and not as severely. I can manage the queasiness best with ongoing snacking. That, and Ben's grandma provided some preggie pops which seem to help when driving and feeling yucky.

I tried on some maternity jeans this weekend. Crazy. Obviously, I basically have no belly. But there is something a little poochy there (not as in a small pink dog, Poochie, but as in sticking out somewhat). And the pants that fit 3 weeks ago...yeah, feeling a little snug by the end of the day. Maybe it's just the extra gas that tends to build up by 6pm. By 10pm I can look really pregnant.

I'm excited to share the news, but I'm waiting until week 12. My doctor says that it doesn't get any safer than this, having seen the peanut with normal growth and a strong heartbeat. But it's kind of still our little secret, our little surprise. I walk around each day smiling inside, knowing something everybody else doesn't (other than friends and family and faithful blog readers, who have known from the get-go).

I find myself marveling over every little detail I read in my pregnancy books. My little one has arms and legs and fingers and toes and tooth buds even! Everything the baby needs to function outside of its warm and cozy cocoon is already present. Arms and legs are moving, but I can't feel a thing. It's so incredibly marvelous. I think this is a tiny little taste of what God feels when he looks down at his creation--the sense of wonder, of awe, seeing each little detail unravel like a flower opening toward the sun.

This morning I was going for a swim, loving the warmth and buoyancy of the pool, thinking about my little one swimming and floating in the lovely pool inside my womb. How nice it must be to be surrounded by warm liquid, floating, sounds muffled, the world outside a quiet mystery.

Sigh. This is as wonderful as I expected it to be.

with any luck, peanut will resemble these beauties

It's plain to see that my brother and sister-in-law have given us some tough competition in the cute children category.

we have a go

Had our 8-week ultrasound yesterday. It was incredible. I had my fears going in, but once that picture came up on the screen, it was instant relief.

A baby. A hearbeat. Life.

It's been pretty real to me for the last 6 weeks, but for Ben to see that little peanut on the screen, it was like insta-wuv. He must have mentioned to me 3 or 4 times last night, "I just keep seeing our little baby with its beating heart!"

Yes, we are officially twitter-pated with the little one.

God is so good.

writer's blog

It's happened. My original goals of updating my blog frequently have turned into infrequent entries. I read other blogs every day. Other people are coming up with very interesting, comical, touching, and insightful things to say on a daily basis. I am not one of those people.

On the baby front...I'm almost to week 8. We have our first ultrasound on Tuesday. I'm so excited to see the little peanut(s) and hear the heartbeat. It seemed like *forever* when I scheduled it 4 weeks ago. But the time has managed to pass. I think seeing the little one in person will make this whole pregnancy thing pretty darn real.

Then the other part of me is totally worried that there will be nothing...this will be fake. I understand this is totally illogical, but many other women have blogged about the same fear. The fear of losing something that I'm already so attached to, have so many plans for, and think about multiple times a day.

So I'm praying for a strong heartbeat and a clear shot of the one-inch wonder. Then I have a picture, an image to hold in my heart and mind, rather than sketches of random fetuses from my baby books.

And in other news, my job is kicking my booty. I'm tired, nauseous, frustrated, unhappy, and altogether done with the environment. I don't know how all the other normal pregnant women out there make it through 40+ hours a week on the job. I can barely make it through the day. I haven't really used my sick time yet, but I foresee it in the near future. I wish I could cut back on my hours, but it's not really a possibility as of yet. We'll see.

It's funny how when you get to the point where family is actually a reality, where the little bean of a human is growing inside of you, you're just ready to up and leave life as you know it, ready to settle down, cook meals, water the herbs and just be home. *Sigh.* Only 32 weeks to go.