leavin' on a jet plane...

In 2000, Ben and I honeymooned on the island of Kauai. We fell in love with the quiet, pastoral feel of the small island. You could enjoy all the beauty of Hawaii with none of the crowds of Waikiki. 

Three summers ago, shortly after finding out we were pregnant, Ben and I embarked on a vacation to Oahu. We joked that we were starting our child's life off right by taking him/her in utero on their first island adventure. 

The following year, we made it back to Kauai, this time with a six month-old Maddie. She amazed us by falling right into a different schedule and time zone, her joy of the ocean (and delight in fistfuls of sand), her love of tropical fruit flavors (although pineapple caused a serious diaper rash) and her ability to chill.

lawn chair, Poipu beach

Fast forward two years, to Summer 2009, and we get to go back, this time to Kauai as a family of four. Honestly, I am most excited about all the time Maddie and Sam get to spend with their awesome Dada. Maddie has spent most of the past weekend in her Dada's arms, grateful to have him around all day. In the next week she will discover that in Hawaii, her Daddy comes alive. He is relaxed, happy, peaceful, fun, and full of energy. None of the stresses of work can penetrate the joy that is the Hawaiian islands, and Ben fills his time boogie boarding, surfing, swimming, snorkeling, reading, chilling, and seeking out the very best plate lunches and shave ice. This year he gets to share it all with his best little buddy!

a happy pair, Poipu beach

Another first this year will be vacationing with our best friends--Gregg, Kelly, Tyler and Nicole. Every day Maddie will wake up to a beautiful Kauai sunrise followed by hours of play with her buddies: building sand castles, splashing in the waves, running in the grass, playing in the shade of palm trees, donning her hula skirt. When she woke up this morning and asked with her usual joy and anticipation, "What are we doing today?!" it was so fun to announce, "We're going to Hawaii!" Tutu, Boppa, and Auntie Jennie will be picking us up at the airport and the party will begin!

sunny day smiles, Poipu beach

And our little Samuel, who is as Hawaiian in his blood as a mellow boy can be, will have his first trip to the islands at only 11 weeks old. He will be spending many hours in the blue pop-up tent, on a quilt, chilling in the balmy breezes. No fistfuls of sand, no sand in the diaper, just all the joys of Hawaii without the mess. Hooray for immobility!

And so, we're off this afternoon. Maddie is fighting a bad bug, having spent most of yesterday either sleeping or fighting off a fever of 103. Today she is much more herself, though still very congested, snuggly and a little warm. We're praying the bug is on its way out, and that the increased mellowness will be a plus on the late-night flights. Aloha and see you in ten days!

aaand...we're back!

Crystal light killed the laptop. Fried it, actually. Short circuit is no longer just a cute 90s flick about a robot.

Thankfully (Macs are just awesome) when Ben plugged in our hard drive earlier in the week to grab some photos, time machine automatically backed everything up. The only things lost were a handful of photos from the week already uploaded but not backed up.

So here you go, courtesy of the new computer...

Go Beavs!!

Jammie Time!

Pool Girl

she takes my breath away

Happy Mama Day II

Dear Maddie and Samuel,

My sweet babes, how lucky am I to be your mama?! Each day you surprise me with your cuteness, naughtiness, love and laughter. Each night I go to sleep exhausted, yet my heart full.

Maddie, you amaze me with your gentle love for your brother. You have nothing but kisses and snuggles and soft words for him. You repeat what you hear from us, calling him "little buddy," "sweet little boy," and "bud bud." It is too cute. Yet you are a toddler, all knees and elbows, and we are constantly running his defense in order to protect him from your exaggerated hugs and energetic snuggles. 

You will turn to me at random points in the day to say "I love you, Mama." (These days, though, it sounds more like "Muh-Mawh," as you have taken to a funny voice that sounds perpetually needy.) It was you who made me a Mama (Muh-Mawh), who 28 months ago burst open my heart with such great love and passion and emotion. And though you grow heavy in my arms with each passing day, you will always be my baby girl.

And Samuel, you are delightfully sweet and gentle and altogether kissable. Last night after you finished nursing, you were in that space between awake and sleep, eyes open but totally still. I couldn't stop kissing your soft cheeks, unable to put you down. I was a mother before you were born, but you have softened and expanded my heart in new and unimaginable ways.

The two of you are quite a pair, spicy and sweet, like a well-balanced thai dish. You make me laugh harder than I've ever laughed and cry more tears than I've ever cried. My heart beats for you, breaks for you, and I promise that as long as you'll allow, this heart is yours.

Not a day goes by that I don't say a prayer of thanksgiving to our heavenly Father for allowing me to be a Mama to you two. I love you so much!

Love,

Mama

2 Months: Samuel

Dear Little Buddy, Milk Man, Sweet Pea, Lovey Beans,

Can you be two months already?! It seems like just yesterday you were lifted out onto my chest, looking out with those wide-open eyes, taking in your new world. Now you smile, coo, track your sister's movements and interact with your environment.

You've officially gone from a newborn to a baby. No longer do I see spindly arms and chicken legs but in their places rubber band wrists and delightfully delicious thunder thighs. After eating, your belly swells like a buddha and when you add to that some of the softest, roundest cheeks ever, and you hardly resemble the long, thin baby who left my body just eight and a half weeks ago. According to our scale you are up to fourteen pounds, which is what your sister weighed at twice your age.                                                         

Along with the weight gain has come the blessed ability to sleep longer than three to four hours at a time. You've clocked many six-hour stretches and a handful of those amazing eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. I thank you. As does my mind, my body, and my entire circle of influence, all of whom are benefitting from your Mama's re-entry into wakeful life. Everybody told me I couldn't have two sleepers, but once again genetics has given me the benefit of their doubt, and I revel in it.

Now you are smiling with regularity, and when your whole face is involved, your nose crinkles up. It gives me tingles every time. You are the handsomest boy I've laid eyes on, and I cherish our moments on the couch, eyes locked, communicating in your newly discovered language of "geeee," "iiiii," and "ah goo." 

I love to hold you, yet it seems like every time you finish nursing I'm off to diaper duty, snack duty, or attending to some other Mama need that whisks me away from you all too soon. Thankfully you love your swing and are content to lay and watch the world move around you. In the evenings after the family is fed, the kitchen cleaned, and your sister fast asleep, I will gather you up in my arms to hold for just a few more minutes before bed. Each time I say to you, "I just miss you when you're not in my arms," and it is always true.

Thank you for rounding out our family. Thank you for being a sweet and gentle and completely mellow little man who delights us each day. Thank you for enduring the nearly nonstop kissing coming from any three of your enraptured family members. Most of all, thanks to God for giving us you, perfect child, to watch over and raise and disciple and enjoy. We couldn't be more in love.

Love,

Your Mama

lucky 8s

I feel so fortunate. Both of my kiddos learned to sleep eight hours by eight weeks! Samuel has now gone three eight-hour stretches in the past 10 days. Yeah for sleep!

sweet little boy

This little guy has got me by the heartstrings. He is all sweetness!

Rockin' the faux hawk

Eyelashes a mile long

A smile that just melts my heart

swinging away

With the warm weather, we decided to pull out the hammock for its 2009 Inaugural Swing:

ahh...sleep

Somebody slept a six-hour and then a four-hour stretch last night! Praise the Lord for uninterrupted sleep!

Off on some adventure this glorious Spring day...

sibs

Maddie Sam



Maddie Sam

27 months

Dear Miss Maddie,

As I type these words tonight, you are upstairs, freshly bathed and fast asleep, after what was a long day for both of us. It seems you've caught another cold, and with the 2-year molars cutting through in the back, well, it makes sense that you're not your usual self. Still spunky but with a bit of sassy and a whole lot o' stinker mixed in. 

For the most part, you continue to be one of the most agreeable, delightful and hilarious people I know. One of your key phrases from the past month is, "That's funny, Mom?," as you are constantly looking to amuse me. When you enter a room, it lights up with the joy, laughter and enthusiasm you bring. You are contagious, in the best way possible. Your Daddy told me just the other day that no matter how long he's been away, his heart still leaps in his chest whenever you call his name and run to him. 

We've dubbed you "The Director," as you have entered the stage of telling those around you what to do and how to do it. Not bossy, per se, but lovingly directive. You like to be in control, know what you want, and have your ways of making it known. You do NOT like to be told "No," and have many rebuttal responses to my disciplinary measures. It is exhausting, to tell you the truth. You have the potential to be a very powerful debater or world leader, or perhaps the recipient of 2nd grade "bossy cards," like your mother.

You are physically capable in every way. At the playground, you are a sight to behold as you scale ladders, swing from bars, spin around, swing, run, jump and twirl. You can practically dress yourself, from head to toe, hats to shoes. You love to pick out your own outfits and most days can be found decked out in princess regalia, twirling around as your cousins taught you. 

And you are fast. Your little legs can really move now, taking you in any direction in a hurry. This has been somewhat of a struggle as you've learned to run away. At home, when it's time to wash your face--not such a big deal. At the park, in the opposite direction, when I'm holding the baby--big deal. So far none of my disciplinary measures have worked. Not even the threat of taking away your princess dresses. 

You are still my girly girl, always asking for necklaces, bracelets, dresses, and never without your trusty lip gloss. A girl just can never have too much lip gloss. This month we painted your toenails for the first time, and you amazed me as you sat perfectly still not only for the painting, but for minutes afterward as you let them dry. You have your own unique style, not afraid to pair tutus with rain boots, sweatpants with sparkles

Another first this month: gum. You swallowed your first piece but after an explanation as to why you couldn't chew gum until you proved you could handle it without swallowing. The next day you informed me you were "ready to chew gum like a big girl." You've yet to swallow another piece! That's the thing about you, sweetheart, you can really do something when you put your mind to it.

The recent news has given us pause, as we will never be able to read another story of abuse or abduction without tearing up, without saying a silent prayer of protection over you, our treasured child. By nature you are sweet and inviting and affectionate and outgoing, greeting everyone with a "hello" and quick to learn names and make friends. At some point we will have to teach you about danger and strangers and it makes me sad to think about squelching your loving personality. I pray that you will always be quick to befriend, looking for people who need love and care, reaching out in the way only you can, with a measure of caution.

I'm so proud to be your mama, both on the good and bad days. You continue to keep me on my toes with your jokes, out-of-this-world reasoning capabilities, quick feet and never-ending curiosity. Thank you for teaching me such great joy and endless patience.

Love,

Mama

Happy Easter!

Maddie was very excited about the eggs with chocolate inside

(more m&ms for the potty training incentive program)

my handsome little man, fast asleep

wearing monogrammed polo, corduroy vest, jeans and brown wingtips

oh my goodness, the absolute cuteness

Maddie spots her Easter presents hiding way up high

Maddie is now fully prepared for summer!

Swimsuit, sun hat, goggles, flip flops, sand toys and lip gloss...

Thank you Target!

one month

Little Buddy, 

How can it be that you are already one month old? I feel as though time has flown by, even though the wee hours seem to creep by. You just arrived, but you have completely taken over my heart. Just this week you smiled at me for the first time, an intentional smile, eyes locked with mine, as the grin started with raised eyebrows and worked its way from the left corner of your mouth to the right, lighting up your whole face. When the moment was over I realized I had been holding my breath in sheer delight.

Speaking of delight, your big sister is totally enamored with you. She loves you with great big loves, and any time your face is in range she covers it with kisses. As a matter of fact, I've noticed your little head smelling more and more like saliva as none of us can stop kissing you! Maddie is always looking for ways to make you happy, talking to you in a sweet voice as your eyes scan the room for her face. Next to Mama, I think you are most interested in that sing-songy voice that is always going and never far away.

You continue to have a sweet and mellow disposition, crying only when hungry or uncomfortable. Like your sister was as a newborn, you too are incredibly noisy. Every night since you've been born, you've spent the wee hours grunting, groaning, and "singing," keeping a tired Mama entertained but awake. It's just your way, to be a noisy little guy, and even when we moved you far down the hall to your own bed, I could hear you loud and clear. At least this way I don't ever worry that you've stopped breathing. And before I know it, the grunting will be gone and I'll miss it, crazy as that is.

Our lives have been enriched by your presence, a constant reminder of the miraculous power of God, who listens to the prayers of his people. There was a time when we worried about you, when a routine ultrasound showed some concerning findings. But our God is good, so good to not only give us peace and discernment in the moment, but to completely remove all problems and restore you to perfect health. And this day each breath you take, each movement you make--they are all miracles. As the worship song says, "we are breathing the breath that you gave us to breathe, to worship you." With each little inhale and exhale we declare the God of creation who reached down to bless us with you, Samuel Benjamin.

We love you,

Mama, Daddy & big sister Maddie

Happy Spring!

Some (might I say) darling pictures I took after church today:

Maddie is all smiles

She adores her little brother

and we even got one with Samuel's eyes open! 

I am in absolute love with these two. Maddie is loving, gentle and sweet with her baby brother. Even in moments where she is craving Mama's attention, she will say "Put Samuel over there and read me this book, please, Mama." Sweet little Samuel has started tracking her as she moves around him, and following her voice around the room.

In just four weeks, our lives have been turned upside down with the arrival of our little buddy. But he is mellow and one hundred percent lovable. Maddie has handled his constant needs for attention with ease. I can't wait to see how they develop a little friendship and start to interact more and more. 

Easter pictures to come...

S is for...

Super Samuel!

3 weeks old

Sleep: You've been doing a good job most nights, sleeping anywhere from 3-5 hour stretches, but last night we were up every hour on the hour from midnight until 6 this morning. Sometimes you have a hard time settling and your grunts and gurgles keep us both up. You are more and more awake during the day, looking at me with those wide eyes.

Sweetness: You are pure sugar, delicious and delightful and the more of you I get, the more I want. You taste good, smell good and are quite nibble-able. 

Sister: You are obsessed with your big sister. When she is in the room (almost always) you follow the sound of her voice to see just what she's up to. And Maddie loves you; she is always showing you things, talking to you, and giving you big kisses (sometimes it gets a little Days of our Lives, but it is only because she is crazy about you).

Socks: What is it about newborns spreading their toes wide as can be when trying to put socks on? I had completely forgotten the sock phenomenon, but your sister did the same thing and it is darling.

Slurp, slurp: You are an awesome nurser. From the start you knew exactly what to do, and it has made my life so easy! At first I was quite sore from your tenacity but we've come to enjoy a much gentler pace.

Smitten: When your long fingers wrap around my hand or hair or shirt it just melts my heart. You have smiled at me three times since you were born, and each time you were awake so I know it wasn't just dreaming. I wasn't quite sure how the two-child thing was going to work out, but I can say without reservation that it is possible to think both of your children are the most amazing thing ever!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

26 Months

Dear Big Sister Maddie,

Let me start by saying you are amazing. You have weathered yet another month of significant change and upheaval with your characteristic charm and good nature. We brought another person into the house, for goodness' sake, and yet you are just as sweet, gentle and affectionate as always, not to mention funny.

There is practically nothing you like more than making us laugh. If you say something funny unintentionally, you will repeat it later with a gleam in your eye and followed by a pause, as if waiting for the "buh-dum-dum" and laughter track.  One morning you had your dad in absolute stitches as you passed gas on demand. For the record, you are a perfect fit for this family.

You play games all day, imaginative and creative scenarios all of your own making: rescuing people in need, taking care of your "giant," engaging any willing participant in a round of "1, 2...clap clap clap! (or ...pat your knee, kiss the mama, jump up and down, etc.) We love to listen in on your play conversations in which you speak for both yourself and Samuel, one in need of help, one doing the helping. 

You are still exceedingly affectionate, offering kisses and hugs to any and all visitors, with a little extra for your special loved ones. One of your favorite morning routines is to look for Samuel and shower him with good morning kisses. When putting you to bed at night, you will repeat "I love you so much" as you give countless kisses and "BIG hugs" to your lucky parents. You've learned to do gentle pat-pats on Samuel's body (not his face) and you love to rock him in the cradle and sing to him gentle songs.

The new toys you've received this month as distraction from "the big event" have provided hours of fun. You ran right up to your dollhouse (a super hand-me-down from our neighbor) and rang the doorbell. How you knew it would be a functioning doorbell is beyond me. You've also spent a good deal of time "camping" in your princess tent (another hand-me-down). We are amazed by your imagination and the amount of time you spend entertaining yourself. In many ways you seem so much older than two.


We keep joking that Samuel better be a conversationalist (or at least an opportunist) in order to hold his own in this house. Your verbal skills have come in handy this month as you are able to express yourself quite clearly rather than resorting to screaming or getting frustrated, such as when you asked me to "Put Samuel over there and read this book with me." On the other hand, you will sing long, complicated songs to Samuel that you make up as you go along, sometimes sweet and always funny. The influx of visitors keeps you on your toes, entertaining the throngs with music and dance.


Your sweetness amazes us each day. Your sunny disposition and appetite for adventure make each day fresh and exciting. We are so lucky to be your parents and Samuel is so lucky to have you as a big sister. Thanks for being you!

Love,

Mama

Samuel Benjamin, birth story

Samuel Benjamin

born Saturday, March 7th, 2009

5:01 p.m.

8 pounds, 5 ounces

21 inches long

the sweetest, most mellow little guy

The week proceeding Samuel's birth I had been contracting off and on, nothing too painful but as the weekend approached they were growing stronger and closer together. I had my 39 week check-up on Friday and the nurse practitioner announced I was at 3 cm, 70% effaced, and my induction was scheduled for the next day. She stripped my membranes to help get things along.

Friday night my contractions came more frequently and by Saturday morning I definitely felt as if I was in the early stages of labor. We called in at 11 and were admitted shortly after 12:30pm. After the initial paperwork was completed I met the first members of my birthing team, a student nurse and RN Candyce (who assisted us with the start of my first labor). They hooked me up to the monitors and the student nurse got to work on my IV. After two failed attempts, Candyce stepped in for a teaching moment. In the past, I've had two or three vasovagal responses when punctured. Once I passed out on the floor of the John Muir lab after giving blood. Yeah, awkward. The problem is, it's an involuntary response so you never know when it's going to strike.

So I was feeling fine until Candyce stepped in and started explaining what went wrong, how the vein likes to hide when it is invaded, etc., and with the sharp puncture I immediately knew I was in trouble. No amount of self-therapy and positive talk was saving me from the inevitable--I started sweating and feeling nauseous. They reclined my bed immediately, put my head down below my heart, got cold compresses, but my blood pressure was plummeting. 

Dr. Wells, Daddy, Mama & Sam

I could hear Samuel's heartbeat slow drastically in response to my own low pressure. I remember thinking that it was taking me longer to recover than I remembered in the past. I was not yet feeling better. Just as soon as I started to recover, I had a pretty strong contraction. Samuel had recovered quickly but with the added stress of a contraction his heart rate slowed yet again. It was only a few minutes but I was struck with how quickly things could change. If he didn't regain his strength, we'd be off to an emergency delivery.

Thankfully everyone recovered and they decided to hold off on the pitocin until we had a good thirty minutes or more of normal contractions to see how he would hold up. The little trooper did great and by 2:15, almost two hours after arriving, they started the pitocin. Candyce checked my cervix at some point and announced I came in at 1 1/2 cm, not 3, though I was at least 80% effaced. So far, the experience was a little frustrating. 

Maddie sees Samuel for the first time,

"Look, Grammy! It's a baby! A new one!"

But within minutes my contractions grew stronger and longer, causing some pause and requiring deep breaths. In a half hour I progressed from 1 1/2 cm to 5, and by 3:15 I was feeling the pain. After the student nurse came in to check on me, I realized I was ready for the epidural. It was a really quiet day in L & D and the anesthesiologist arrived in less than 10 minutes. But by this point I was really feeling the contractions, down deep, starting out like an intense menstrual cramp and then taking over my abdomen with a hard, tight, clenching feeling. Every time I would close my eyes and try not to fight the pain but reminded myself to open up and move Samuel down.

As I was prepped for the epidural, I noticed that sitting up seemed more productive and when hunched over I felt more in control of my contractions. The placement of the epidural was quick and painless but the contractions continued to grow stronger. Candyce laid me down for another cervix check and laughed to say I was approaching 8 cm, and she was going to call Dr. Wells, my ob/gyn, to let him know this baby would be here soon. I laughed, too, and told Ben that so far this labor was looking a lot more promising than my 18-hour ordeal with Maddie.

Mama loves her little boy

The laughter didn't last long as the epidural was only working in part. My left side was feeling some relief but there was still a strong and undeniable tightness in my lower right quadrant. On top of that, I was feeling the strong urge to pee all over the table. I asked when the catheter would be inserted because I felt like I was working so hard to keep from going to the bathroom everywhere. The nurses let me know the catheter would go in when I was completely numb and to let them know if I felt the urge to push.

I was far from numb. The anesthesiologist came back in 10 minutes and my pain was less but the pressure was huge and my right side was still hurting. He tried pulling the epidural catheter out a bit to see if it would distribute more evenly. By nearly 9 cm dilation, after a number of pretty intense contractions, the epidural finally took. 

big sister Maddie couldn't wait to hold him

Turns out Dr. Wells was in a doctor's office himself, getting some steroid injections in an injured toe, and ordered the team to stop the pitocin because the soonest he could get to the hospital would be 20 minutes or more. I laughed in disbelief as I looked at the clock. My baby would be here by 5!

I had some pain relief but was able to feel an intense amount of pressure and the urge to push. Doctor Wells arrived in a polo shirt, khaki shorts and tennis shoes. He asked Ben about his interest in delivering Samuel and with Ben's emphatic yes, helped Ben suit up in scrubs and gloves. They moved a mirror in close so I could see the delivery and as Ben was explaining how to use our camera to a nurse who would film Samuel's arrival, I announced that under no uncertain terms was I ready to push this baby out!

ready to go home, a peanut in his car seat

After about 3 contractions' worth of pushing I looked down to see Samuel just moments away from delivery. With each push it felt like a beehive was buzzing in my nether regions! It took about 15-20 minutes of pushing, an episiotomy and some "gentle tearing" and Samuel was delivered by his Daddy's strong hands onto his Mama's waiting chest. 

Aaahh, relief! In the video I am heard saying, "Oh, it's so much better when he's out!" (meaning, no longer pushing or needing to push). He was covered in vernix, white and creamy, and the doctor remarked on his extra long umbilical cord, more like a jump rope. We joked that Samuel must have been jump roping inside all that time. 

Of course I cried when he was placed on my chest but immediately started laughing with joy at my perfect little boy. He fussed a bit but then settled right down with his big, wide, steely-blue eyes looking all around. I noticed immediately that he looked different from Maddie, his very own little face, and a very wrinkly body whereas Maddie's had seemed so round and filled out. He seemed smaller.

The moment of truth revealed he was about 1 ounce bigger than Maddie, and the same length, with these incredibly long feet and toes. A perfect little bundle! All in all, it took 2 hours 45 minutes from the time the pitocin was started until he made his appearance. He was whisked away to the warmer to regain some of his body temperature and the masses arrived to greet him: Grammy with big sister Maddie, then Great-Aunt Cheryl, Tutu, Boppa, and Auntie Jennie. Kelly, Bridgette and Susan visited in L & D as he nursed for the first time, a whopping 55 minutes of latched-on feeding. Hooray!

Samuel is the sweetest and most mellow little guy. He has completely captured our hearts and his sister Maddie is absolutely smitten. We are grateful to God for an easy delivery, healthy baby, and especially for the gift of another life to love. We love being a family of four!